Q: I have been in a relationship with my Mexican girlfriend for almost seven years. My Indian parents who live back home in India don’t approve of our relationship. I hid the relationship for the first four years, and when I finally shared it with them, there was a lot of blowback. I was almost ready to break up, but over the next few years, I couldn’t give up on the relationship.
Last year, I was set on breaking up and was taking a break from my relationship to process what I really wanted. I came across your book “But What Will People Say?” and it really changed my perspective and gave me the confidence to recommit to my girlfriend and push along.
I have slowly reintroduced to my parents that I am not leaving my girlfriend. But recently they have traveled to the U.S. to convince me otherwise. It has been a really difficult past month with them, and I am once again at my wit’s end.
I am not sure what to do. I want to propose to my girlfriend and get married. But my parents have become more firm, and I feel like I am back at the starting line.
How can I be sure of what to do? I don’t want to hurt my girlfriend, who has been patient and understanding. I feel like I can’t make her wait any longer. I also can’t seem to make my parents understand my needs and wants. I am trying to find a solution where maybe there is no clear path.
– Uncertain Son
A: Certainty and confidence don’t come from others agreeing with your choice; they come from within. You are waiting to “feel” ready, but wanting things to be different isn’t going to help you feel more prepared to do something about your situation. You are at a crossroads and either path will mean forgoing something really important to you – your girlfriend or your parents’ approval. So where does that leave you?
First, please be kind to yourself as you’re figuring this out. You are holding out hope that your parents will get on board, and I hate to say this, but it doesn’t sound like they will. You’ve taken a lot of time to “figure out” what you want, but have you taken time to really grieve the reality that your parents don’t support your choice and may never do so? I think it’s time to redirect your focus from waiting for yourself – or your parents – to change to what you can do now and what you need to navigate this anguish you’re experiencing.
You’ve been clear you want to marry your girlfriend, but after seven years, something is still holding you back. Is it simply that your parents don’t approve? Or is it something more? Imagine for a second a future with your girlfriend without the pressure of needing to please your parents? What would that look like? Now imagine a future without your girlfriend and following your parents’ wishes? What would that look like? Would their expectations or pressure for you to follow their wishes end with this relationship?
You have already shared with your parents that you’re committed to your girlfriend, and it’s important you don’t waver on that. Since they are not supportive, they are going to continue to look for any doubt and uncertainty. While it may not change their minds immediately, sometimes repeating the message consistently, with confidence and compassion, can help them understand this is your path now. Though you feel like you are back at the starting line, I assure you that you are not. Given that it’s been at least three years of your parents knowing about your girlfriend, I assume they have not cut ties with you. That’s not to say it isn’t still painful to disappoint them, but it does mean there’s a part of them that will continue to love you as their son – even if they don’t like what you’re choosing.
Get curious about what their fears about your girlfriend are. Is it because she’s Mexican and not Indian, or do they have other fears and worries about her or your relationship? By exploring their fears, you cannot only learn what is important to them but also parse what may simply be a difference in beliefs and values that you hold. This can help you strengthen your confidence in your priorities and values, too.
Explain that you’ve tried for years to consider their feelings and desires, but even after all this time, you can’t seem to walk away from your girlfriend. If they haven’t met her, humanize her in ways they can understand and support. Right now, she might be an abstract thing they can continue to ignore but share photos, and talk about the qualities in her and the relationship that make you happy and align with values they have taught you. Even ask if they’d be open to meeting her once and let them know how important this is to you.
Finally, continue to be transparent with your girlfriend and work together to find ways to help her feel supported while navigating this uncertainty with your parents. Seven years is a long time, and I’m sure there have been many ever-changing conversations about your relationship and your future together. I can only imagine how difficult this has been for her, and it’s a testament of how much she loves you that she continues to give you space to figure this out. It sounds like you have something special built on love and respect.
